It’s not a secret that I’m no fan of comic books. It’s not due to some preconceived notion that everyone that reads comic books are nerds, or that comic books are stupid, and a waste of money. I just got tired of being unappreciated. I can not think of any other form of entertainment that outwardly mocks its fan base as much as comic book publishers. For those of you who aren’t comic book fans, and are just recreational movie viewers, I apologize, but I can’t talk about a comic book movie without talking about the comic books I read as a kid.
I used to read a lot of comic books. My favorite was always Wolverine. I like a drunk, cigar smoking, anti-hero with his own agenda. And Wolverine used to have some great writing. There really were some clever stories and obstacles Wolverine had to overcome. The issue for me was when Marvel got the notion that there was nothing left to do with the character, so without any sense of finality, they started the series over in 2003. Enter horrid writing and terrible artwork, and I decided not to invest in the reboot. I must have chosen wisely, because in 2010, the series was rebooted again.
The reason I hate comic books is that there isn’t any loyalty to the readers. The publisher establishes a story line, then they get cheap and throw in a different hack writer to screw up a great story. Once that craps the bed, then they pull some alternate dimension crap, or heaven forbid a clone, and bring in yet another writer who does the same thing. And once it all comes toppling down, or once the studio sees a chance to make more money, it’s time to restart the series. It’s not like it’s that hard to keep it going. We’re talking about writing 12 issues a year. 13 if there’s an annual issue. You can’t come up with a decent story in a month? There’s about 30 pages in a comic book. It’s a page a day! And they’re mostly pictures! Come on, you’re killing me!
Before going to see X-Men: First Class, I couldn’t get a feel for how this movie was going to exist in comparison to the other X-Men series. This looked like a pretty simple reboot, but the past franchise is too big to ignore. Granted, this is a new decade for this series on the silver screen, and as much as I did not want to see this film, I was intrigued as to what place it would hold in relation to the others. I couldn’t help but hear great praise from critics, and high anticipation from the mob awaiting X-Men’s release. Silly patrons. How quick you are to forgive the franchise that thought it would be a good idea to let Brett Ratner direct a movie. You fools! Needless-to-say, I wasn’t surprised that X-Men: First Class would be tied into the groundwork laid down by the previous series. I was however, completely flabbergasted to find that they used the opening scene as the X-Men (2000) movie. Not a similar opening. The SAME aww, Magneto’s just a little baby in a concentration camp, rip apart the metal gates, BAM! The butt end of a Nazi rifle to the head, exact SAME opening footage.
Following the opening, Eric Lensherr (Magneto) is greeted by Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), an agent of the Nazi regime. Props go to Bacon’s German, however, the scene fails play enough emotional harp stings to justify Magneto’s desire to avenge the death of his executed mother. For an entire movie to be based around the outcome of this one moment, it should have resonated with me emotionally. I should have felt enraged. I certainly should not have been laughing at the silly looking CG metal objects swirling around a room.
Comic book movies have had a shaky history when it comes to silver screen adaptations. Generally, the ones that thrive are the ones that realize how to properly construct dialogue. Films that successfully do this such as Batman, Sin City, Iron Man, become more than a mere counterpart for fans. They can stand on their own. X-Men: First Class lacks that certain kind of elegance. Filled with punchy one-liners and catch phrases, most of the dialogue is nothing short of eye-rolling. With mantras so well constructed such as: “I’m mutant and proud,” I can’t help but dread any point when a character begins to talk.
Unfortunately, I can’t find the interview that Brian Cox gave for X2, but I remember he was asked something along the lines, “what makes his performances playing a villain so memorable?” Paraphrasing, his response was that “characters can’t know that they are the villain. They have to believe with all conviction they are doing the right thing. Villains also have to have intelligent dialogue, they can’t just shout thing like, ‘now you’re going to die!’” It’s especially shameful that this little chestnut was ignored, being that it comes from within the same franchise. Instead, hero or villain, perfectly constructed action scenes are done in vain, once someone opens their stupid mouth.
Another thing that began to annoy me was the constant call of attention to mutant discrimination. The X-Men have always been the comic safe-haven for those who feel persecuted or misunderstood, but the overhyped mutant discrimination made me feel like I was responsible for casting judgement on a group of people that don’t even exist. After two hours, it started to seem like a thoughtless clone of post 9/11 muslim sensitivity training. I get it, dude. Not all mutants are bad. They shouldn’t have to hide who they are. No, seriously, you don’t need to keep reminding me. Add a big ball of teen angst, and that’s what I imagine it must be like to be a mutant. Ignore all those awesome superhuman abilities – those aren’t any fun – it’s all about the shameful dirty feeling of being different. Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep while listening to some Hawthorne Heights on repeat.
As a longterm fan of the franchise, it seems as if too many liberties were taken when adapting this story to theaters. Aside from having a cheapening effect, the history didn’t need to be rewritten. Where parts were touched up, instead of adding something, anything, it became a distraction that made me wonder why? The X-Men storyline was already rich with characters and events. I don’t understand why inconsistencies should be created for no added value. Most bothersome to me was that of the Emma Frost character. If we’ve established that all X-Men movies are related, then it would make little sense to have a thirty something Emma Frost in X-Men: First Class, when X-Men Origins: Wolverine had a teenage Emma Frost and takes place roughly twenty years later. This is just plain sloppy. Furthermore, it is well known to anyone following this line of comics that Charles Xavier lost his ability to walk due to his mutant power. That is why he had the ability to walk in the Savage Land (yeah, I’m a nerd, so what?). If you’re going to change how he became paraplegic, make sure that the event has impact. Don’t alter long established facts and the events that take place afterward, just for a cheap gasp from the audience. Don’t create the X-Men as a CIA project when the movies and the comic books had them going at great lengths to hide from the government. Or, just give up on remaking movies all together and come up with a new story, if you can’t help but resist ruining it!
Most disappointingly, the first series under Bryan Singer’s care, was very stylish. Costumes and settings were slightly futuristic and dark. It just worked. It said to anyone looking for a fight, “Maybe these are the guys I don’t want to mess with.” The new costumes and set designs are bright and hopeful. Uniforms, instead of being badass leather, now look like someone skinned Big Bird and Grover and let their niece sew together a halloween costume. If I were looking for a fight, that’s the kids ass I’d kick for his lunch money. Not to mention, the character animation was just abhorrent. Mystique, Beast, and Emma Frost’s diamond skin look plain terrible. Overall, Matthew Vaughn’s direction with this movie was a letdown. This is especially disappointing to me, as his debut, Layer Cake , is one of my favorite movies. That aside, there is no excuse for the poorly made, aforementioned costume design, that spared no character or suit in the entire movie.
Overall, this movie was better than X-Men: The Last Stand, but even Rush Hour 3 was better than the third X-Men. As Xavier repeatedly tells Magneto that the best use of his mutant powers lies mentally within the “point between rage and serenity.” My rating lies in a point between Bumpin’ and Straight Dumpin’.
RATING: SLUMPIN’
If you’re new to the Out of Commission rating scale, it’s quite simple: Bumpin’, Sumthin’, Slumpin’, Straight Dumpin’. Pretty self explanatory. Yes?
