Sometimes when you do something for so long, it becomes commonplace. Ordinary, lackluster. Sometimes it becomes a chore. Recording an hour long conversation between my friends was never a burden. It is everything else that always was. After six years, forcing yourself to go sit through another Queen Latifah movie, for a new and relevant movie to review is emotionally draining. A part inside of you just snaps. No mas. Finito. You check out.

On the other side, it becomes a part of you. It becomes embedded and ingrained in your DNA. Being on the ground level of podcasting, and carving out a space in the arena before mainstream media arrived, it is much more than something I do. It is what I am.

I grew up in live broadcast video production. Everything there is meticulously planned, regulated by the FCC, and completely devoid of any artistic and creative freedom. You show up to work, punch a time clock, and ask yourself why you keep working this shit job. The big untold secret is that all production work is that way. It is an industry built on hope. It feeds on human sacrifice, blue collar workers that pray for one lucky break, one moment things will go their way. Everyone outside production thinks it’s only the actors living in a pipe-dream. For every actor with dwindling hope a breath away from selling all self-respect and sliding over to a washed up career making pornographic movies, there are five directors, cameramen, gaffers, and other miscellaneous film crew that are considering taking the plunge into fast food and dishwashing. We aren’t even the forgotten. We’re the never noticed.

Podcasting changed all of this. It was the one chance a single person could control and produce their project. Instead of negotiating deals with media moguls, aristocrats, and capitalists for air time, one just needed to start a website and a computer. No longer was the need to plea a pitch to someone else to produce and distribute content. No longer did one need to compromise their creative vision and claw their way up the ranks in the hope that after years of being a “yes man” and doing what the studios want to do, one day you can create a show the way you want it. This was my freedom, my salvation, my chance to put my energy into a product that I wanted to create.

In early 2006, without any help, I started planning my own production company, Warpath TV. Figuring out the technology behind how to distribute a file via RSS, or simply podcast was a nightmarish and epic task. There were a couple of resources that taught one how to do this, but there were all overly complicated and confusing. Not-to-mention the how many different ways there were to do this. In addition, I was a mockery to some of my closest friends. “Why would anyone want to listen to what you have to say? Why are you so special? If I want to hear someone talk, I’ll turn on the television or radio and listen to a professional. How do you expect to compete with that?” I’m a very stubborn person. I didn’t listen. I was being called to a new medium, and it was something I was compelled to do.

I was surprised when a very dear friend of mine, Michael Zucker from Differential Productions, decided like me, he was all in. The first week of July 2006, we put out our first very, very, terrible episode of Sonic Boom. It was understood that what we were doing was a trial run, but we miscalculated. We didn’t take everything we needed to into consideration, such as, oh let’s say, necessary recording equipment. We wanted to open the series with an interview with the founders and staff at Fusion Gaming in Roanoke, VA. Over half the time there was spent trying to figure out how to record the interview with the equipment we had. We learned from it. We pressed on. Zucker and I had the opportunity to work with some of the most amazing people such as: Dick DeBartolo, Wil Harris, Anthony Carboni, and the legendary Ben Heckendorn. Eventually, Heckendorn became a permanent cast member, and Carboni frequently dropped in. Numbers were great, and we had a very successful podcast for the time.

This got some of my other friends interested in podcasting. Epileptic Peat and Mr. Fisher, two folk who had never had the privilege of meeting each other, joined me to create the show Out of Commission. A podcast mostly dedicated to movies, Bruce Campbell, and telling dick jokes. After twelve episodes, we were at each other’s throats in disgust. We were unable to find our voice. We couldn’t find our pulse. The three of us decided, very begrudgingly, to end the show.

I’m one of the types haunted by failure. Not because I’m afraid of it. I recognize how important failing is, and see it as a very useful tool. I just expect more from myself. I don’t do things half-heartedly. The way Out of Commission ended bothered me. I think it bothered us all, and a year later we entered negotiations to reform. Soon after, Mr. Fisher decided he just didn’t enjoy the whole podcasting thing, and gracefully left. This began a new era, as Kaptain Carbon muscled his way into Out of Commission, knowing nothing about movies, and slowly undermining my creative control as I slept.

With the addition of a The BenHeck.com Podcast and new podcasts Pixels to Polygons, and Transmission Protocol,  Warpath TV was beginning to grow. I was happy. I was burning out. Between directing a video program, traveling back and forth between Philly and Hershey, recording two weekly podcasts, as well as one daily podcast, and writing and editing for Wiredown, and trying to start another show that never made it to air, I worked nearly 16 hour days for as long as I could remember.

Scheduling conflicts eventually shot Sonic Boom dead. Oftentimes it’s unimaginably hard to get three people’s schedules across the nation to align. This definitely upset me. This is the show that started it all. It still bothers me that the show just abruptly ended. However, due to pure exhaustion, and having other podcasts still going on, I just walked away. To my undying shame, I just packed my bags and walked.

Everything else started to fizzle out. Wiredown took a turn for the worst, Transmission Protocol, the daily podcast proved to be too demanding, and Pixels to Polygons were going through their own problems. It wasn’t long before Out of Commission became the only podcast on Warpath TV. Later, I tried to revive Transmission Protocol as a general goofy news podcast that I did on my own, but it never hit its stride.

On a happier note, Out of Commission had morphed into a sleek, well produced podcast. As Kaptain Carbon slowly started demanding more and more control over production and editing, I did something I never do… I relinquished control. If any life lesson for me came out of Out of Commission for me, it was that I could take more of a hands off approach and trust other people. I owe Epileptic Peat and Kaptain Carbon that.

Out of Commission went on to produce some fantastic material over the years. I am truly proud of the material we made. Yes, it was a little more edgy than some prefer. Yes, there were a lot of inside jokes. But all and all, we brought it to the table. After we worked out all the kinks, we consistently made a show that was entertaining, funny, and had a great flow. I am fortunate to have been a part of it.

So why are we leaving? The short answer is we don’t want to nuke the fridge or jump the shark. We have more respect for the work that we’ve done, than to just ride it until the wave we’re on crashes into the coast. You have to know when it’s over. That’s always been the problem with American television series. They never leave on a high note. They always choose greed instead of a graceful exit point. X-Files, Lost, House, and countless others are all victims of this.

The long answer is more complex. To start, as I mentioned before, our passion is dying. I think last year’s movies were the result of the 2007-2008 Writer’s Guild strike finally catching up to us. When you’re subjected to seeing terrible movies week after week, it eats away at you. I used to love to go see movies. There was something magical about it. When I had the freedom to see a movie when I wanted to, I used to get excited to go to the theater. I wasn’t enraged that I had to arrange my time off of work around dragging myself to the theater to pay and sit through Sucker Punch, Transformers 3, or Just Go With It.

The show didn’t start when we hit record. It is so unbelievably hard to see the dry spell of movies last year and dredge what is left of the river about news about trite remakes. When the work for the next show starts in a barren wasteland filled with rubbish, it’s hard to look forward to what you do. That is not to say that I didn’t enjoy what I did. The second I would hit record and the banter started, it was a blast. But for every hour recorded, the three of us put in hours of misery.

I have to say that I feel really weird about this. Even though I know that we’ve taken this program as far as we can, ending it still feels wrong. It feels guilty to me. It feels like I’m pulling the plug to my grandfather’s life support. I love this show, but I know I have to let it go. For the first time in years, I will no longer be on a podcast. I will no longer be making content. I don’t know how to feel about that. I’m having trouble taking it in. Even with another show with Epileptic Peat and Kaptain Carbon is in the works, I still don’t know how to come with the terms that for the time being, the podcast network I started will be running with shows, and I’m currently not on any of them.

This is the part where I’m obligated to say some heart-filled quote full of hope, so here goes… “Just as when a phoenix rises from…” no, I’m not really going to do that.

Thank you, all of you that listened. I’m touched that what we did mattered to you. Sometimes the world can feel like such a big place, it can be a little overwhelming. It’s nice to be a part of something that makes it feel just a bit smaller. Like we’re all closer together. To my colleagues, it’s been a pleasure serving with you.

</OoC>

-George

“I kind of feel like a piece of me is dying along with this church.”
Old Church Man
Die Hard 2

Part of doing freelance design is replying to some of the biggest idiots the internet has managed to dredge up. They usually congregate on websites such as craigslist. Their entire existence is just to fuck with me, which I think has been planned intentionally by God to keep me humble. That’s a joke, that’s just something idiots say when they’re used to life kicking their ass. I was being sarcastic.

I saw an ad on craigslist that I knew better than to follow up with. Jobs that offer no money up front usually are a waste of time. Original ad:

Startup looking for designer (Cumberland Valley)

OK,,

We are a VERY small company with BIG ideas We are right now looking for someone to design clothing and a few other things.

But,,, here is the hard part. We haven’t ever been paid yet. This right now is a labor of love,, And you won’t get paid till we start making money.

We are VERY serious about this business and there IS a market for the brand we will be selling.

So with that said,,,,and YOU are new to business and want to get your feet wet,,,OR ,,, EXPERIENCED and willing to come talk to us about this project ,,,

We WANT to hear from you.
ALL replies to this will be returned,,

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE EH?

• Location: Cumberland Valley
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

I think this ad is actually meant to be a secret code either to contact Russian spies, or the Zodiac killer. Either way, there is either a significance that commas are being used in excess along with every adjective in capital letters, or paint huffing has finally taken its rightful place back from those glory hound designer drugs.

From: George Force
Date: Thursday February 2nd, 2012 2:15 AM
To: 5fa76-2829946748@gigs.craigslist.org
Subject: Startup looking for designer (Cumberland Valley)

I’d like more information please.

From: Fred Townsend
Date: Thursday February 2nd, 2012 3:57 PM
To: George Force
Subject: Re: Startup looking for designer (Cumberland Valley)

Hey ,,,,

What we want to do is develop and actively marked a “brand”. But
first,, here is our shop.
This is who we are and the image we wish to present. A “badboy-girl”
kinda thing. For work and play.
Some leather as well.
We are just a startup and are fishing for the right person who “sees”
and visualizes our vision.
We are already trademarked.
But we want the line(s) to represent the “feel” of the websites “assumed” look.
Do ya follow me?
www.stricklychopped.com

Do NOT let the “appearance” of the shop fool you. I guess the “look”
we are searching for is “rat”
We build the bikes and streetrods for fun,, we really want to market
the “name” as a brand. do you follow?

After looking at our site please let me know if you wish to talk in person.

From: George Force

Date: Thursday February 2nd, 2012 5:08 PM
To: Fred Townsend
Subject: Re: Startup looking for designer (Cumberland Valley)

No, I don’t “follow you.”

Oscar time is amongst us, once again. This year, myself, along with the folks from Out of Commission, will all be live blogging the Oscars once again. Please join us on February 26th, starting at 7:00 PM. More details can be found HERE!

Neck-beards are grossly annoying. I think I need to buy a straight razor. This way when I’m too lazy to shave, but the hair on my neck is too long, I can take care of it without clogging up a perfectly good disposable razor. Pulling out a straight razor before a bar fight, would probably deter the entire thing. Yes, add to grocery list, “buy straight razor.”

If I know that the dinosaur previously known as Triceratops is no longer called Triceratops, why can I never remember Torosaurus?

Nobody played like Joe Strummer. Period.

Why is the box my antibiotics come in 6,000% bigger than the six pills it contains?

If one flying DeLorean from a prior timestream is traveling to the future at 88 miles per hour from 1955, and the same flying DeLorean is traveling from 1985 from a subsequent timestream, what are the chances Doc Brown will meet himself causing a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe?

2011, was quite possibly the worst year of my life. If it hadn’t been for friends and family, I don’t know how I would have trudged through. On Valentine’s Day my (now ex) girlfriend and I broke up, and that was quickly followed by a very long year of living away from home, and working at the most dreadful hours of the day, and in the most dreadful places. I spent most of the year in complete solitude, with a complete lack of of social life, whilst being completely rundown. Topping it off, I angered an old ankle injury over the summer, and have been reduced to walking — once again — with a cane. Shit happens. I’m over it, I’m pressing ahead.

In 2012, I’ve already started setting the world on fire! I will absolutely make this my finest year yet. I’m a breath away from 30, and I’m going to push ahead with new projects, and new goals. First and foremost, I’m going to continue working on Warpath TV, my podcast network. It’s been a little neglected, I won’t lie. But it still has a strong pulse. A couple of new shows have been added, and we’re looking to add even more. Not to mention, the podcast I do, Out of Commission, with Epileptic Peat and Kaptain Carbon, I feel has been producing it’s best work consistently for about a year now. I truly look forward to recording it every week.

Next inline… I’m bringing back Wiredown. For those of you that don’t remember, or missed it, Wiredown was a blog I used to run with a group of writers. I tried this twice. It failed twice. This has haunted me for years. It was something that devastated me. For years, I’ve been asking myself why it didn’t work, what we could have done to keep it going? It came down to three simple problems. We had too wide a focus. Wiredown never understood it’s role to play, never developed it’s own identity. Were we a tech news site, were we a review site? What were we? Second, our level of quality control was far too low. I was more focused on coming out with more posts, rather than making sure the ones that went up met certain criteria. That is something that is completely unforgivable. If you’re going to do something right, you have to put your balls out there and give it your best. Anything second rate isn’t worth the time. Readers aren’t willing to read shit, and it’s disrespectful to try and publish it with the expectation that they’ll be fine with one or two bad articles as long as you consistently deliver. Lastly, the blog format was fundamentally against our ethos. They work great for certain writers, I’m not disrespecting them. It’s just not our style. We’re not a rapid response medium. We do a lot of reviews. Products take time to analyze. So, when we relaunch, we’ll be doing it in a weekly magazine format.

All this will be subject to change, but for now, I’m kicking around the idea of starting out with around a seven article weekly magazine. I’m looking to start delivery at wiredown.com through traditional internet browser and rss feed. Later, I’ll fold in delivery by Kindle, Newsstand for Apple products, and likely Windows Phone 7 and Android devices later. Whatever the platform, whatever your preference for reading periodicals, I want to be there to give you the material you want to read, the way you want to read it. That includes paper. If you’re hellbent on killing trees, we’ll even give you a pretty little button so you can print the rain forrest into oblivion. We’re still in early phases. We’ll need to pick up a few editors and a boatload of writers, but it’s going to happen, and I can’t possibly express how excited I am to do this. I’m hoping to get Wiredown back up by the first half of this year. And yes, that’s being hopeful.

With Wiredown coming back into existence, naturally, movie reviews will no longer be posted here. I sort of started writing movie reviews here due to Wiredown’s absence. With it’s disappearance, I had nowhere else to write reviews. So, the next question I guess will be what will happen with this space? I started this blog because I wanted a place to put up goofy shit. Whatever random thing enters my head. It has become overwhelmingly apparent, that I just don’t like to make consistant updates. But I’m going to try very, very hard to try to make at least one post a week. We’ll see how that turns out.

Perhaps the biggest change that will occur this year for me, is I am expecting to move to the Washington D. C. area, likely within a month, give or take. For this, I’m floored! I love that area, and am thrilled to have a possible job waiting there for me. I’m ready to go!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… What a stupid name for a movie. This film takes place in Ohio, and there is snow on the ground. That leaves the only plausible interpretation for the title left, is as a reference to Julius Caesar, by Shakespeare. So, you want to name a movie on the basis that it includes betrayal? I guess it’s better than naming a movie Paranormal Activity 3, when it set before the prior two.

Marginally.

It’s a very slim margin.

The Ides of March takes place approaching the Democratic National Convention, during an election year. Both candidate’s campaigns are depending on Ohio’s Governor’s endorsement in order to clinch the Democratic nomination. As if follows Ryan Gosling, the youngest, most talented campaign manager in the whole-wide-world, a win seems easy, and without problem. But isn’t there always a problem? Obviously, there can be no betrayal without problems.

The first impression of the cast is, “Wow, these guys are smooth.” Everything is so neat, and perfect. Slides like glass. And the moment you get a break from the huge George Clooney, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ryan Gossling, Paul Giamatti, and Marisa Tomei opener, you can’t help but wonder how many dollars are tied up just in the performers.

Giving props to Clooney, a Clint Eastwood in the making, it was ballsy to make a movie strictly about a presidential campaign. Stop and take a moment to think about that. What would Taxi Driver be if you took out all the cool parts? How far flat did Recount fall? To center a production around one moment of a campaign is a death knell.

Clooney wrote and directed a very fine “Grandpa” movie, in the likes of The Good Shepherd, or even similar to his own Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. It was intelligent, dramatic, came equipped with clever dialogue, and some parts were funny, but at the end of the reel, it was dry, and had the stench of Oscar-bait. To Clooney’s credit, he brought out fantastic performances from his cast, notably Gosling, who carries the movie, but with the actors involved, do they even need a script or a director? They could pretty much be filmed drinking water, and something interesting would be bound to happen.

This movie fell flat for me. It just a tad too rehashed and unimaginative. This is not to say it was a bad movie. It just slightly fell short of the mark. Unless the desired effect was for me to feel 15 years older, balding, and with an insistent urge to talk loudly about what happened in a noisy restaurant.

RATING: SLUMPIN’

If you’re new to the Out of Commission rating scale, it’s quite simple: Bumpin’, Sumthin’, Slumpin’, Straight Dumpin’. Pretty self explanatory. Yes?

R rated movies, especially comedies, have become a bit of a rarity in recent years. It is beyond understanding, as films to the like of The Hangover, and Tropic Thunder, have both done well in down markets. Yet studio executives still fight to keep ratings at or below the all accessible PG-13. This contagion exists in action and drama movies with Live Free or Die Hard, and the recut rerelease of The Kings Speech.

Bad Teacher follows a one diminutional, gold digging Cameron Diaz, who decides to leave her job as a teacher, so she may pursue a career as a housewife to a wealthy man. After being abruptly dumped, she is forced to return to her old job teaching, until she can snag another rich mark.

I should hate this movie. Everything I’ve ever seen with Cameron Diaz, I’ve wanted to punch her in the face just to see if I can bring some life into her cold, dead eyes. However, Bad Teacher filled a void I’ve been I’ve had in my life in recent years. Sometimes, I just want to sit in a theater and be accosted by cursing and dick jokes. Unfortunately, it was still hard to like Bad Teacher. There is no flow or progression of story. Scenes really don’t seem to change, characters just do different things. It leaves most segments of this film with a hanging sensation.

Where Bad Teacher did excel, was with the selection of their supporting cast. Lucy Punch, Phyllis Smith, Thomas Lennon, and Jason Segel all brought something to this production. Even Justin Timberlake didn’t annoy me as much as I thought he would. Unfortunately, a good supporting cast can not carry sloppy directing, and bad editing and writing. Though I was somewhat entertained through out my viewing, it just didn’t do enough for me.

Bad Teacher with it’s generic plot, flawed and unredeemable main character, and poor writing and directing is by far better than any recent Adam Sandler movie; but I did like this movie a lot better when it was called Billy Madison.

RATING: SLUMPIN’

If you’re new to the Out of Commission rating scale, it’s quite simple: Bumpin’, Sumthin’, Slumpin’, Straight Dumpin’. Pretty self explanatory. Yes?

When Warner Brothers threw a quick nine million dollars at the Green Lantern‘s special effects budget two months before the release date, I knew it was going to be a terrible movie.

RATING: DUMPIN’

What? You want more? Because that seriously wraps everything up nice and tight. It’s really not worth talking about… OK. Twist my arm.

Green Lantern represents the second to worst movie of 2011 I’ve seen thus far. To even come close to Sucker Punch for this illustrious spot, really takes talent. During this film, I was the jerk-off inappropriately laughing at all the wrong parts. I couldn’t help it. The CG/voiceover cocktail that started everything off, was just too strong. In fact, I really, really wish any of the four writers had heard of Robert McKee. Terrible voice overs aside, this script was riddled with terrible dialogue. Green Lantern breaks nearly every suggestion McKee has involving dialogue. However, starting and ending this movie with the worst voice overs ever written couldn’t have been merely a coincidence… One of those assholes had to think they were doing a good job. Barring special effects, the main antagonist to the hero in this story seems to be the writers themselves.

Very early on, it is made crystal clear that Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is a screw up. He’s so much a screw up, that he screws up screwing up. No joke. The writers actually wrote a scene where he saves the company he works for by screwing up so bad that it corrects his screw up. They pretty much focus on this for a solid hour to reaffirm just how much he sucks at everything but flying planes. Skipping the boring details, Hal Jordan finds a dying alien, blah, blah, blah… Boom! He’s now screwing up as the Green Lantern. This mistake pretty much impossible to believe that the chosen hero of this movie could protect a glass of warm piss, let alone a planet or a universe.

Now, I want to take a moment to give everyone involved with this movie a slow clap. The chances that a film with a budget of one-hundred fifty million dollars would fail on every aspect of production is a mathematical anomaly.  Hell, you’d have a better chance hitting the lottery than you would messing up a movie with that kind of resources. What a huge disappointment for director Martin Campbell. What is most shocking, is Campbell was behind two fantastic James Bond films, GoldenEye , and the remake of Casino Royale.

I could go on and on about how terrible everything in this movie was, but it already wasted nearly two hours of my time. I’m not going to let it eat up anymore. Green Lantern was so bad, I couldn’t help but laugh the entire way through it, and I spent most of the movie joking about what was going on with a friend. There are no redeeming qualities to this film of any kind. Just avoid it.

RATING: STRAIGHT DUMPIN’

If you’re new to the Out of Commission rating scale, it’s quite simple: Bumpin’, Sumthin’, Slumpin’, Straight Dumpin’. Pretty self explanatory. Yes?

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date to the movies. It’s not because I’m a mongoloid, nor am I on the low end of the curve in the caste system. I usually end up in relationships that last for years. So instead of going out and seeing a lot of movies with a lot of different women, I’ll pick one girl and work for years on systematically destroying every piece of goodwill left in both of our souls. After seeing Super 8 with a new test subject on Sunday, I was forcibly asked to mention her in my review. Naturally, I chose to push her down in the mud and yell at her for having cooties, instead of complimenting her to the likes of saying I attended Super 8 with an intelligent and attractive young woman.

Super 8 is set in 1979 “when cool kids never have the time.” It enkindles an old memory of a simpler time. If that’s not cliché enough, wait until I start talking about growing up without the internet and walking to school barefoot, uphill both ways. While I was watching this movie, I felt like I was being bombarded with nostalgia. I think this will most likely be missed by younger generations, but director J.J. Abrams did a fantastic job making the cinematography and film quality look like it was shot in 1979. I thought almost entirely throughout Super 8, that it looked like other work producer Steven Spielberg did in this time period, namely E.T. and The Goonies.

Super 8, named after the 8mm film, opens with a group of middle school aged children trying to make a horror movie. During one of the late night shoots, they happen to witness a pickup truck collide head on with a freight train. This creates a completely awesome action scene, that I found to look pretty convincing, which has become a rarity for me in this post CGI cinema world we’re living in. Following the wreck, the children are chased out by military personnel, who claim the cleanup of the site to be a military operation. Once people’s stuff starts to go missing, there’s no one better than a group of young teenagers to attempt to uncover a conspiracy.

J.J. Abrams has written a lot of high profile scripts for both television and films, but this one seems different. This one comes off as if he put a piece of his childhood in it. The characters are so well developed, it’s easy to identify with them. Without giving it a second thought, you know exactly why they’re doing what they are. It is made especially easy to believe due to the children’s great acting, which caught me off guard by the amount of craft they were able to exhibit.

Super 8 is a world filled with childhood wonder and laughter. It is a perfect light horror/slightly comedic adventure to bring your kids or a date to. It’s not the kind of movie that’s going to have a girl gripping to you like Scooby Do to Shaggy – unless you’re like my lady friend who was hanging on to me for dear life – but it is an enjoyable movie, with just the right mix to let yourself get carried away. Just make sure that when the lights come up, you don’t bolt for the door. There is a very enjoyable scene that starts a few moments after the credits begin to roll.

Rating: Sumethin’

If you’re new to the Out of Commission rating scale, it’s quite simple: Bumpin’, Sumthin’, Slumpin’, Straight Dumpin’. Pretty self explanatory. Yes?

It’s not a secret that I’m no fan of comic books. It’s not due to some preconceived notion that everyone that reads comic books are nerds, or that comic books are stupid, and a waste of money. I just got tired of being unappreciated. I can not think of any other form of entertainment that outwardly mocks its fan base as much as comic book publishers. For those of you who aren’t comic book fans, and are just recreational movie viewers, I apologize, but I can’t talk about a comic book movie without talking about the comic books I read as a kid.

I used to read a lot of comic books. My favorite was always Wolverine. I like a drunk, cigar smoking, anti-hero with his own agenda. And Wolverine used to have some great writing. There really were some clever stories and obstacles Wolverine had to overcome. The issue for me was when Marvel got the notion that there was nothing left to do with the character, so without any sense of finality, they started the series over in 2003. Enter horrid writing and terrible artwork, and I decided not to invest in the reboot. I must have chosen wisely, because in 2010, the series was rebooted again.

The reason I hate comic books is that there isn’t any loyalty to the readers. The publisher establishes a story line, then they get cheap and throw in a different hack writer to screw up a great story. Once that craps the bed, then they pull some alternate dimension crap, or heaven forbid a clone, and bring in yet another writer who does the same thing. And once it all comes toppling down, or once the studio sees a chance to make more money, it’s time to restart the series. It’s not like it’s that hard to keep it going. We’re talking about writing 12 issues a year. 13 if there’s an annual issue. You can’t come up with a decent story in a month? There’s about 30 pages in a comic book. It’s a page a day! And they’re mostly pictures! Come on, you’re killing me!

Before going to see X-Men: First Class, I couldn’t get a feel for how this movie was going to exist in comparison to the other X-Men series. This looked like a pretty simple reboot, but the past franchise is too big to ignore. Granted, this is a new decade for this series on the silver screen, and as much as I did not want to see this film, I was intrigued as to what place it would hold in relation to the others. I couldn’t help but hear great praise from critics, and high anticipation from the mob awaiting X-Men’s release. Silly patrons. How quick you are to forgive the franchise that thought it would be a good idea to let Brett Ratner direct a movie. You fools! Needless-to-say, I wasn’t surprised that X-Men: First Class would be tied into the groundwork laid down by the previous series. I was however, completely flabbergasted to find that they used the opening scene as the X-Men (2000) movie. Not a similar opening. The SAME aww, Magneto’s just a little baby in a concentration camp, rip apart the metal gates, BAM! The butt end of a Nazi rifle to the head, exact SAME opening footage.

Following the opening, Eric Lensherr (Magneto) is greeted by Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), an agent of the Nazi regime. Props go to Bacon’s German, however, the scene fails play enough emotional harp stings to justify Magneto’s desire to avenge the death of his executed mother. For an entire movie to be based around the outcome of this one moment, it should have resonated with me emotionally. I should have felt enraged. I certainly should not have been laughing at the silly looking CG metal objects swirling around a room.

Comic book movies have had a shaky history when it comes to silver screen adaptations. Generally, the ones that thrive are the ones that realize how to properly construct dialogue. Films that successfully do this such as Batman, Sin City, Iron Man, become more than a mere counterpart for fans. They can stand on their own. X-Men: First Class lacks that certain kind of elegance. Filled with punchy one-liners and catch phrases, most of the dialogue is nothing short of eye-rolling. With mantras so well constructed such as: “I’m mutant and proud,” I can’t help but dread any point when a character begins to talk.

Unfortunately, I can’t find the interview that Brian Cox gave for X2, but I remember he was asked something along the lines, “what makes his performances playing a villain so memorable?” Paraphrasing, his response was that “characters can’t know that they are the villain. They have to believe with all conviction they are doing the right thing. Villains also have to have intelligent dialogue, they can’t just shout thing like, ‘now you’re going to die!’” It’s especially shameful that this little chestnut was ignored, being that it comes from within the same franchise. Instead, hero or villain, perfectly constructed action scenes are done in vain, once someone opens their stupid mouth.

Another thing that began to annoy me was the constant call of attention to mutant discrimination. The X-Men have always been the comic safe-haven for those who feel persecuted or misunderstood, but the overhyped mutant discrimination made me feel like I was responsible for casting judgement on a group of people that don’t even exist. After two hours, it started to seem like a thoughtless clone of post 9/11 muslim sensitivity training. I get it, dude. Not all mutants are bad. They shouldn’t have to hide who they are. No, seriously, you don’t need to keep reminding me. Add a big ball of teen angst, and that’s what I imagine it must be like to be a mutant. Ignore all those awesome superhuman abilities – those aren’t any fun – it’s all about the shameful dirty feeling of being different. Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep while listening to some Hawthorne Heights on repeat.

As a longterm fan of the franchise, it seems as if too many liberties were taken when adapting this story to theaters. Aside from having a cheapening effect, the history didn’t need to be rewritten. Where parts were touched up, instead of adding something, anything, it became a distraction that made me wonder why? The X-Men storyline was already rich with characters and events. I don’t understand why inconsistencies should be created for no added value. Most bothersome to me was that of the Emma Frost character. If we’ve established that all X-Men movies are related, then it would make little sense to have a thirty something Emma Frost in X-Men: First Class, when X-Men Origins: Wolverine had a teenage Emma Frost and takes place roughly twenty years later. This is just plain sloppy. Furthermore, it is well known to anyone following this line of comics that Charles Xavier lost his ability to walk due to his mutant power. That is why he had the ability to walk in the Savage Land (yeah, I’m a nerd, so what?). If you’re going to change how he became paraplegic, make sure that the event has impact. Don’t alter long established facts and the events that take place afterward, just for a cheap gasp from the audience. Don’t create the X-Men as a CIA project when the movies and the comic books had them going at great lengths to hide from the government. Or, just give up on remaking movies all together and come up with a new story, if you can’t help but resist ruining it!

Most disappointingly, the first series under Bryan Singer’s care, was very stylish. Costumes and settings were slightly futuristic and dark. It just worked. It said to anyone looking for a fight, “Maybe these are the guys I don’t want to mess with.” The new costumes and set designs are bright and hopeful. Uniforms, instead of being badass leather, now look like someone skinned Big Bird and Grover and let their niece sew together a halloween costume. If I were looking for a fight, that’s the kids ass I’d kick for his lunch money. Not to mention, the character animation was just abhorrent. Mystique, Beast, and Emma Frost’s diamond skin look plain terrible. Overall, Matthew Vaughn’s direction with this movie was a letdown. This is especially disappointing to me, as his debut, Layer Cake , is one of my favorite movies. That aside, there is no excuse for the poorly made, aforementioned costume design, that spared no character or suit in the entire movie.

Overall, this movie was better than X-Men: The Last Stand, but even Rush Hour 3 was better than the third X-Men. As Xavier repeatedly tells Magneto that the best use of his mutant powers lies mentally within the “point between rage and serenity.” My rating lies in a point between Bumpin’ and Straight Dumpin’.

RATING: SLUMPIN’

If you’re new to the Out of Commission rating scale, it’s quite simple: Bumpin’, Sumthin’, Slumpin’, Straight Dumpin’. Pretty self explanatory. Yes?